Pants O’Clock

On Saturday, I stumbled into my living room and turned on the television.  I hadn’t showered, possibly in two or three days, and I hadn’t shaved in even longer.  I was in my boxers, because obviously I didn’t need pants (it was only half past noon, hours away from pants o’clock.).  On the coffee table, an open box of Cheez-its, a box of tissues, with used tissues strewn about at random from the day before.  Also evident is a recent Diet Coke massacre: empty and half-empty bottles of the stuff are on every available drink-putting surface, including my now six-year-old iBook, which was on the floor in front of the couch.  I covered myself up with an old comforter that I had been using to keep warm, which came from Target right before my freshman year of college.  It, like every article of clothing that I own, is covered in cat hair.

As if this scene weren’t already desperate enough, Phenomenon (you know, the contrived 90’s movie about a farmer-turned genius, starring John Travolta) was on, and I was completely transfixed.  I caught myself getting misty when he finally gets to sleep with Kyra Sedgwick’s character, and even mistier when he later had to explain to her children that he was dying.  “Everything is on its way to somewhere,” he said, before drawing an unsatisfying metaphor about the apple he had been eating.

This is what my life has become.  It is fifty percent awesome and fifty percent pitiful, but since I’m trying to stay optimistic here, I will say that it is halfway awesome.

In other news, I have another lead on a job (it’s Category I, if you remember me arbitrarily categorizing the kinds of jobs that I am applying for).  Things seem to be going pretty well in this arena: my employment rate is steady, and leads are up by 100% from last week!  (Yes yes, my employment rate is steadily zero, and I have a total of only two leads on jobs, but we have to put a positive spin on things.)

Actually, I did get a part time job acting sick for med school students.  No, this is not a joke, like that time I applied to be a Private Investigator (My business cards might have read: Sebastian Danger, Part-Time Undercover Arts Investigator).  This is real, and I am totally doing it.  I already had my orientation.  I already filled out the paperwork.  This is really happening.  And you know what?  They pay me extra if the student has to examine my genitals.  So to recap: I got a part time job potentially getting people I don’t know to prod my junk.  Jesus God, I am starting to appreciate your sense of irony.

Also, I am going to apply to be a Census Taker.  Because I think it would give me some interesting stories.  And the lowest starting pay is more than I was making per hour at my old job (ridiculous, right?).