This weekend I opened and closed a production of I Pagliacci, which is an opera whose name you probably don’t recognize, but from which you probably know at least one of the arias thanks to Saturday morning cartoons. I learned a lot in this production, such as the answer to the question: how on earth can they possibly expect to put up an entire opera in only nine days, even if it is only two acts long and is usually only one-half of a double bill? I can’t actually tell you the answer to this. I just know it’s possible. It also helps if you have completely bad-ass choristers like me.
(PS - If you feel like supporting a burgeoning young opera company in a city that is literally starving for art, check out New Opera Saint Louis or Union Avenue Opera. Both are great little companies!)
I almost didn’t close this opera. Let me tell you a story about a twenty-something with problematic insomnia. This person went to bed at 11:00PM on Saturday night, after responsibly choosing not to go out, after responsibly laundering his own costume for the opera that he was in, and after responsibly showering so as to keep the stage makeup from clogging his pores. This very responsible person needed to wake up at 6:00AM the next morning to ensure that he would be on time for his 8:00AM call for his church job. This very responsible, unlucky person who would like nothing more than to sleep in on a Sunday morning for a change, DID NOT FALL ASLEEP UNTIL 4:30AM DESPITE HIS BEST EFFORTS.
This person was pissed.
But he woke up, made it to his church job early, did not fall asleep during the sermon, even though he had to listen to it twice, and decided that it would be best to have some protein for lunch after church instead of going home for a nap. This person had plenty of time. This person’s show did not start until 3:00PM and he was not called to be backstage until 2:00PM. After this person’s nutritious lunch, which included plenty of caffeine, which is good for staying awake but bad for this person’s voice, this person went home to get his phone, which he left there in the morning because he was obviously in a rush. It was 1:35 PM.
“Oh,” this person says, “I still have plenty of time. I even have time to relax. But I know I am pretty tired, so just in case, I will set an alarm.” This person always thinks ahead.
Setting the alarm: call was originally 1:30PM, I know that, but they pushed it back because no one needs that much time to get ready, so the show starts at 3:00PM, not a problem, I have plenty of time, I’ll set it for 2:45PM, and I’ll be able to make it there, no problem.
This retarded person who is incredibly stupid fell asleep. This person woke up at 2:30 and said to himself, “Oh, I have fifteen more minutes to sleep before I have to wake up, because I set my alarm for 2:45 and I am supposed to be there at 2:00SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.”
This person dials the cab company and doesn’t wait for them to pick up before putting them on speakerphone. “Thank you for calling Laclede Cab, this is LaQwanda,” says his phone from his dresser.
“Yes,” he says, throwing on his costume, “I need a cab at this address. IT IS AN EMERGENCY.”
Pants pants pants where did I put my pants shit I can’t believe I am so stupid what the hell was I thinking of course call was at 2:00PM why did I think I could sleep until 2:45 what kind of moron does this I am so fired I am not going to make it in time for the downbeat I am so fucked.
“And your name sir?” asks LaQwanda.
“IT IS SEBASTIAN AND THIS IS AN EMERGENCY” No time for punctuation.
Shit shit shit shit shit do I have everything packed where is my makeup oh shit did I pack my makeup where is it, okay it’s there that’s good I’m not completely stupid, wait yes I am why the FUCK did I fall asleep, okay fine, no, it’s fine, everything is fine.
“Thank you, someone will be there soon.”
Should I put my makeup on? I am going to look totally flushed onstage. What if the cab gets here and I am not outside. Am I wearing pants? Check. Yes, I am. Oh thank god. Wait, where the fuck is my hat?! I need that hat, I am supposed to use it as a prop in the first act. Why the fuck doesn’t this production have a costume crew?! If I had left my costume there, I wouldn’t have lost my, oh wait there’s the hat, it was in my bag. Phone, wallet, keys, water bottle, check.
This person, now dressed like an early twentieth-century Sicilan, is outside waiting for a cab, and he sees his cab pull up to an address down the street and honk. “WAIT!” This Sicilian-looking person is now running for his cab. Clomp clomp clomp, his shoes are clomping the pavement, clomp clomp BANG.
Oh shit I dropped my water bottle, should I get it NO THERE IS NO TIME, wait no I need it, okay fine, get it. I got it, we’re good, keep running.
He opens the cab door. “Sebastian?”
“Yes, that’s me, let’s go.”
“Where are we headed.”
“THE MISSOURI HISTORY MUSEUM AND STEP ON IT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ONSTAGE IN TEN MINUTES”
“Oh, my. Ten minutes from NOW?”
No, asshole. Ten minutes from an hour from now. “YES, GO PLEASE”
The cab ride is mitigated with attempted phone calls to other cast members, stage managers, production manager, but it is no good. The theatre is essentially a cement box in a basement. Why hasn’t anyone tried to call me? And why the hell are we performing in the basement of a museum anyway? These are the questions this person sometimes asks about his life.
This person is literally biting his knuckles when the cab pulls up to the museum. “Keep the change,” he says, throwing two fives into the front. The door is already slammed shut and this person is running away when he hears the cabby’s shouted thanks.
Clomp clomp clomp push bang clomp clomp clomp clomp, oh thank god there is still a line for tickets it looks like they are holding the house clomp clomp step step step step step step step step step step step step clomp clomp clomp clomp clomp pant pant pant “I AM SO SORRY, TANIA, THIS IS NOT LIKE ME, I FELL ASLEEP, I DIDN’T MEAN TO, ONE MINUTE I WAS CHECKING MY E-MAIL AND THEN THE NEXT MINUTE I WAS WAKING UP A HALF HOUR AFTER I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK, THIS IS NOT LIKE ME, I AM SO pant SORRY pant pant.”
“It’s okay, just put your costume on. We’re at ten minutes until places.”
“It’s on, it’s on.”
“Makeup, then.”
And you know what? This person did not miss the downbeat. In fact, this person gave a near perfect performance. But this person could easily have been fired, and that would have sucked, because ironically, singing is the only thing that is generating income for this person right now.
And you want to know who this person was? It was me. I SLEPT THROUGH CALL FOR A SHOW. You may not be performers, but if you are you understand what a faux pas (actually, it’s more like a faut pas!) this is. I have friends who have gotten FIRED for this. And I could have been fired too.
It’s a good thing my stage manager loved me.
Leave a comment