Time for an upgrade?

Today after my unemployment lunch (which included pizza, but not in roll form (it was purchased FOR me by my lovely former colleagues—thanks dudettes!)), Diane, my unemployment buddy, and I headed to the unemployment office for our four-week report.  I do not understand the purpose of this report fully, even now that I have completed it.  My hypotheses until today included: it is to keep people from falsely claiming benefits for deceased members of their family; they want to make sure I really exist; they just want to put a face with the name; they are lonely and want to get to know me better; and they want, in spite of themselves, to give me as much money as possible but would like to see the joy on my face when I receive the check.

However, given today’s experience, I now know that none of these are true.  Absolutely all of them are in all ways false.  It. was. ludicrous.

When we walked in, we stood in front of the reception desk for a few seconds before they noticed us.  When they did, they spoke first to Diane, who was carrying the letter telling her that she needed to report in.  “Oh, you’re here for your four weeks,” said one of the receptionists.

“Yes,” said Diane.  And then before she could say anything else, she was being instructed to key her Social Security number onto a keypad.  The other receptionist looked at me then.

“Are you together?” She asked me, indicating Diane.

“No,” I said.  “I mean, yes.  I mean, we’re together, but we’re not together.  I mean, I’m here for my four week report but I forgot my letter and…”

“Key in your Social, please.” Once I had finished, she instructed me on using the computer to do my report.  There was no standing in line, there was no waiting around, there was no calling of numbers, no interviews with career counselors or social workers.  Nothing. After she finished her thirty-second demonstration, Diane and I found computers next to each other, and seven minutes later, we were done.  And the next time we go in, it is going to take us six minutes less because now we have our profiles set up.  All I have to do is type in my name, click a button that says “I was here,” and then go.

I now fully understand why Missouri is running out of unemployment money.  They didn’t even require a picture ID.  I could have sent ANYONE in, told them my social, and had them do my reporting for me.  Seriously.  I could probably file for unemployment for my father and collect his money for him for months without ever being questioned.  And he has a job and lives at a different address.  That’s how easy it is.

On the upside, I did get my first payment of unemployment money.  Yeah, buddy!  Now I don’t have to buy yogurt at fifty cents a thing.  I can upgrade to 60 or 75 cents a thing.  I am so excited.